Big deal, I suspect many would think. Try 5 months, 5 years or indeed your entire adult life out of work.And I can't help but agree in part, but for me, the last 7 weeks have been a backwards step in my world.
I stopped posting anything of any interest some time ago, but my drafts over the past couple of years are increasingly dark, and remind me of a place I don't want to go back to, but fear I might be.
My years working for a Popular* High Street Bank -which shall remain nameless, but let's just say a Bank not just in Scotland, but Of Scotland, but one without any delusions of Royalty- were not happy ones. But in the dark days at the turn of the year in 2010, they took a very dark and not unsurprising turn.
I may one day confront all my demons from my time with the organisation, but not until I find a really good lawyer. But As 2010 was shivering to a start, I was consumed by the living hell of depression.
The signs had been there for some months before I finally gave in, but the day I turned up for work and had forgotten not just how to write my name, but what to actually do with the pen I was holding, was the day I started getting better.
An emergency appointment with my GP was the turning point. I am very fortunate that I received great support from my doctor, CBT, counselling, 3 months off work and a willingness to alter medication as and when required meant I was able to get better, return to work, leave with my head held high, and move to a job I genuinely loved.. Because that first day in his surgery, he listened. And he listened. I suspect at least 3 other patients weren't so happy with him that day, as they may have had to wait quite a bit longer than they expected.
From that day my world changed, slowly to begin with but, it changed.
So as 2011 wandered into view, my world was a much happier place to be. Well for me anyway, I may have become insufferable to others but I hope not. Insert smiley emoticon ironically.
I had a job I adored, my financial worries were fading and
I was looking forward to the future.
Things started going a bit wrong after that.
My health went through an odd phase as I was hospitalised after collapsing at work, although, thankfully, subsequent heart scans and tests failed to show anything nasty.
And then I lost my job. The last time I had to sign on, I was 18, after the seasonal job I had after leaving school ended. So for the first time in over 20 years I had no purpose to my life. Rather than just thinking I had none.
I have spent most days applying for jobs, attending interviews, getting the odd rejection letter, trawling job sites, perfecting Angry Birds, heading off on buses and trains to take photos, listening to a hell of a lot of radio, even for me. But I'm bored. So bored. And I'm getting very lazy. And that is what scares me most. I'm losing my motivation, and as we approach the start of another year, I don't want to end up back where I was at the beginning of 2010. I'm pretty sure I won't, I have my friends, family and a roof over my head. I know, a shit load more than a lot of people unemployed and battling depression.
I am aware I have not gone into great detail about the aspects of my depression, merely giving them a cursary nod, and that is a deliberate move on my part. This is merely a place for me to put down my thoughts. Today I don't want to wallow too much in misery, another day I will. When I do, I shall jot them down here, and then they too will sit in my drafts folder.
Not a very interesting blog entry, I know.
It just sits here amongst the others.
A post that I started to mark my 50th day of unemployment, as if it was going to be any different to the previous 49.
As Oscar Wilde so succinctly put it "Meh!"
*I, of course, use the word Popular quite incorrectly.
